You may not want to read my story. I was living a quiet and pleasant life. My husband and I made a strategic decision that I would not work outside the home. We value the fact that there is always someone in our extended family who can be available if needed.
My days are spent shuttling one set of grandchildren to preschool, tidying our house and then running over to tidy my son’s home after he and his wife have run out the door to work and deliver their children to school. I enjoy plenty of free time, but can also respond to that occasional errand or emergency that inevitably occurs when everyone else is at work.
I enjoy the freedom to be a blessing to myself and others. For example, when another son and his family got stranded with two hours until a tow truck was available, I drove over to rescue them from a long wait in the southern heat. When a grandchild was sick at school, I picked him up and stayed with him until his mom got home from work. When a neighbor needed a ride to the doctor, I could help out. So, in this season of life my job title is basically, Available.
This job description gives me a lot of extra time to read, to focus on my health by exercising more and to test the limits of my creativity. I started taking piano lessons, tried out for and landed a role in a local play and still find time to read, sew and write.
This was all well and good until I started using my free time to investigate some theological questions that piqued my curiosity. Some of my findings challenge the facts I have previously learned. Not rushing out the door to work each morning has given me time to not only ask questions, but to research possible answers. Once I started this process however, I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole would go, or what I should do if I ever reach an end.
Sometimes I would love to discuss this research with a few more people, but that is a bit like stepping out on the high dive board at the pool. Scary. If you belly flop from that high it is really going to hurt. My husband and a couple others are willing to dialogue with me, but the sheer volume of material is hard to digest without hours of free time.
I am well aware that not all books, authors, websites or YouTube videos are reliable sources of information. Conflicting data makes me question whether our original sources of information were as reliable as we presume. Sometimes my searching for truth has led me into areas considered conspiracy theory and can sound pretty wild and crazy. Then again, the book of Revelation can sound pretty wild and crazy. The rabbit hole is very deep and certain parts of the trail appear to connect to many others.
I am going to record my wandering around the maze in this blog. At times I think I have been going in the right direction only to realize I have looped back or reached a dead end. I pray for guidance and then follow path of synchronicity, allowing current events, my interests or curiosity to lead the way. One verse I have always loved from the Bible is Proverbs 3:6 “In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy paths.” I am trusting God that I will eventually get to my destination and learn whatever I am supposed to learn along the way.
Since I believe that everything happens for a reason, I enjoy when people recommend books, or when I happen to be somewhere and something catches my eye. Russian themes tend to pop up frequently, since that was my major in college. People may make an interesting remark on a Facebook feed that I happen to catch. My grandchildren will often spout out bits of wisdom or spark a trail of questions. And I remember the verses from Mark 10:14-16 “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.” So, yes, sometimes I let the children lead.
It is my hope that the end of the journey will lead me into the arms of a loving Father.